Tuesday, December 04, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
passivity, i kick you in the butt
Ohhh my. Passivity is one of my weaknesses, my bad habits. It is amazing that I can get out of bed and get myself dressed in the morning. If Jason ever dies, heaven help me. I am totally that lady that doesn't know how to change the batteries in my kids toys because I can let my husband to it and so I leave it up to him. There are many examples of this and it is unfortunate that I am writing after 10 at night because I can't think of any at the moment.
The irony is that Jason is also passive. Which is why we don't go on vacations with just the 4 of us. We only show up to big family vacations when we are told to and everything is already planned for us. We don't do things on the weekends and we hardly ever go on dates. We're always waiting for the other one to do the planning. Thankfully, with the exception of planning fun activities for our family to participate in, we are passive mostly in different ways. That is the only reason my kids ever have toys that work that require batteries. Or chargers. Or, now that we are here, transformers to cut the electricity in half so we don't blow up our appliances.
The move over here has made me extra passive. I've retreated into a protective little shell called my house. Actually it isn't really my house, it is just where we live for a year, but we will call it "my house" for the sake of the story. Honestly it does not provide quite enough shelter from the outside world, to which I am specifically speaking of the 18 construction workers that are in front of "my house" everyday peeing all over the place. I somehow manage to deal with it. It's a miracle.
I think it is safe to say that I hate (my kids just got hot sauce in their mouths for using that word) driving here. I hate "my car" which is like driving a cross between a monster truck and the Titanic around town. In my head I call "my car" a monstrosity, but I will save that for another post. My second week here driving on my own, I hit a trike (a motorcycle with a cab) and it was enough to keep me from driving for quite awhile. About 6 months. I can hardly handle putting a dent in our own car, but I certainly can't handle ruining someone else's car. For awhile I even made Jason drive me to the grocery store every week. I'm sure that made me even more dear to his heart. He must love having to babysit his own wife.
As a result of my passivity, the kids and I mostly sit at home all day. We do school, the kids fight with each other, the kids fight with me, we watch movies, and when we are really desperate we read books.
When we decided to come here we thought that it would be a great experience for our family. A great experience though, I have recently concluded, requires leaving the house.
So I patiently waited for Jason to come up with an amazing way for us to do something to serve those around us here. To get our family out of the house and experience life here. I'm stupid passive like that.
I have graciously allowed him 6 months to come up with a fantastic idea on his own of something for us to do together as a family (so that I would be off the hook for driving) that would be meaningful for the kids and not require knowledge of the local language. Easy peasy! I would allow him to make the arrangements on his own and then to drive us to wherever it is that we would go that would help make this year a great experience for our family. I figured he was the head of the house so it was his call. I even mentioned the orphanage in town a couple of times just to help him along a bit. I'm super helpful like that. Helpful passive.
The man is busy though. He doesn't sit in the house all day twisting his hair and wishing that there was a Target around the corner that he could go and walk around in for a few hours a week. And I mean every week. Alone. With a bag of popcorn.
Today I decided that maybe, just maybe, it was time to kick my passivity in the butt and write the darn orphanage and see if there was any way we could help out. I mean I've only been thinking about it for the last 10 months or so. And if I have to drive us there myself, then I guess I will drive us there myself. Time to put my big girl pants on and live my life.
I just pushed 'send' on the e-mail this afternoon. We will see where it will take us. Hopefully out of the house and towards a bigger, more compassionate world view for us all.
The irony is that Jason is also passive. Which is why we don't go on vacations with just the 4 of us. We only show up to big family vacations when we are told to and everything is already planned for us. We don't do things on the weekends and we hardly ever go on dates. We're always waiting for the other one to do the planning. Thankfully, with the exception of planning fun activities for our family to participate in, we are passive mostly in different ways. That is the only reason my kids ever have toys that work that require batteries. Or chargers. Or, now that we are here, transformers to cut the electricity in half so we don't blow up our appliances.
The move over here has made me extra passive. I've retreated into a protective little shell called my house. Actually it isn't really my house, it is just where we live for a year, but we will call it "my house" for the sake of the story. Honestly it does not provide quite enough shelter from the outside world, to which I am specifically speaking of the 18 construction workers that are in front of "my house" everyday peeing all over the place. I somehow manage to deal with it. It's a miracle.
I think it is safe to say that I hate (my kids just got hot sauce in their mouths for using that word) driving here. I hate "my car" which is like driving a cross between a monster truck and the Titanic around town. In my head I call "my car" a monstrosity, but I will save that for another post. My second week here driving on my own, I hit a trike (a motorcycle with a cab) and it was enough to keep me from driving for quite awhile. About 6 months. I can hardly handle putting a dent in our own car, but I certainly can't handle ruining someone else's car. For awhile I even made Jason drive me to the grocery store every week. I'm sure that made me even more dear to his heart. He must love having to babysit his own wife.
As a result of my passivity, the kids and I mostly sit at home all day. We do school, the kids fight with each other, the kids fight with me, we watch movies, and when we are really desperate we read books.
When we decided to come here we thought that it would be a great experience for our family. A great experience though, I have recently concluded, requires leaving the house.
So I patiently waited for Jason to come up with an amazing way for us to do something to serve those around us here. To get our family out of the house and experience life here. I'm stupid passive like that.
I have graciously allowed him 6 months to come up with a fantastic idea on his own of something for us to do together as a family (so that I would be off the hook for driving) that would be meaningful for the kids and not require knowledge of the local language. Easy peasy! I would allow him to make the arrangements on his own and then to drive us to wherever it is that we would go that would help make this year a great experience for our family. I figured he was the head of the house so it was his call. I even mentioned the orphanage in town a couple of times just to help him along a bit. I'm super helpful like that. Helpful passive.
The man is busy though. He doesn't sit in the house all day twisting his hair and wishing that there was a Target around the corner that he could go and walk around in for a few hours a week. And I mean every week. Alone. With a bag of popcorn.
Today I decided that maybe, just maybe, it was time to kick my passivity in the butt and write the darn orphanage and see if there was any way we could help out. I mean I've only been thinking about it for the last 10 months or so. And if I have to drive us there myself, then I guess I will drive us there myself. Time to put my big girl pants on and live my life.
I just pushed 'send' on the e-mail this afternoon. We will see where it will take us. Hopefully out of the house and towards a bigger, more compassionate world view for us all.
Monday, October 22, 2012
oh ann
Have you read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp?
If you haven't you better crawl out from whatever rock you've been living under and buy it now. Right now. Go to Amazon. Now. And don't forget her blog.
This woman has words. She's a modern day prophet.
There are days when her words speak from the page and they sit like salve, healing a spot that I didn't know needed healing. Some days there are words that are like the hydrogen peroxide we've been pouring over our scrapes and cuts and bug bites. Burning, stinging, bubbling up the bad in order to clean and make new.
This came out of her recent blog entry, "Why You Should Smile Right Now."
These words have rolled around in my head for days. Confronting my actions. Knocking heads with my reactions to two specific small people that live in my house.
These words have rolled around in my head for days. Confronting my actions. Knocking heads with my reactions to two specific small people that live in my house.
“Why deprive myself of joy’s oxygen?
The swiftness and starkness of the
answer startle.
Because you believe in the power of the pit.
Really?
Do I really smother my own joy because I believe that anger
achieves more than love?
That Satan’s way is more powerful, more practical, more fulfilling
in my daily life than Jesus’ way? Why else get angry?
Is it because I think complaining,
exasperation, resentment will pound me up into the full life I really want?
When I choose — and it is a choice — to crush joy with bitterness, am I not
purposefully choosing to take the way of the Prince of Darkness?
Choosing the angry way of Lucifer because I think it is more
effective — more expedient— than
giving thanks? than living joy?”
It hits me hard. How can I think I can use my anger, my frustration, my disappointment to pound my kids into seekers of joy, proclaimers of truth, and lovers of good, let alone good behavior when they are arguing with each other or complaining about school. Yelling should produce patience between my kids. Threatening should produce joy in learning. Bribery should produce a feeling of pride in a job well done.
In what world does that add up?
There are days when anger certainly feels more practical. It seems more effective. It appears to work so much faster. It is such an easier sword to wield than encouragement or patience.
But, how often do I crush joy in my home? Let me rephrase that. How many times in a day do I crust joy in my home? I don't even want to count. My kids would probably tell you that there are days I let my anger fly around like a whip. Somewhere in my head, I've believed the lie that I can pound my kids into good behavior, into the wonderful sweet kids I know they can be.
Lord help me.
Cynicism isn't strength and ranting doesn't rejuvenate and frustration can never accomplish what Faith can.
It's a wonder though that God confronts. He gives us the chance to change and to grow.
Thank goodness for grace.
Thank goodness for the chance to try again. And again. And again.
And when my kids complain for the 35 time of the week about doing their word sorts and it's only Wednesday, God is giving me the chance to choose joy. To choose it for myself. To choose it for my kids. Practice living it out. These words just keep rattling around in my head.
I think about how thankful I am that this year I get to be sojourners of joy alongside my kids as we live and learn in this sticky sweaty jungle paradise. We're learning. Slowly.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
tumultuous
: marked by violent or overwhelming turbulence or upheaval<tumultuous passions>
the sillies
Every once in a while we get silly around here. I have to say, I like it much better than the crying that takes place. I love that these two are learning to enjoy each other more this year! A new 'do from the sister.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
shopping
There are two main grocery stores that we shop at in town, the fruit stands and occasionally the market. One stop shopping doesn't exist here and neither do sales or coupons. It's killin my grocery budget. Killin it I tell you!
The store we like to shop at the best is about 20 min away from our house. It is in a lovely new mall that has a lovely new grocery store in it. This means that I make Jason drive me there because I have issues with the truck we are borrowing this year. That my friendlies requires a whole separate blog post. When we can, we usually go on Monday morning. He heads to the coffee shop in the mall to catch up on computer work and I head to the grocery store.
Why do we drive 20 minutes to get to a grocery store when there is one 7 minutes away from our house? Well, let me list the reasons.
1) the produce there is way better - this is the main reason we go
2) way less people shop there
3) they have cheese (sadly, they don't carry cheddar, which is all I really want)
4) they have various types of American made chips
5) the meat seems better most days
Shopping here is always an adventure though. I usually have to meal plan for more than 7 meals a week because when you go to the store you never know what you are going to find. Last week they had no green or red peppers - out go the fajitas I was going to make on Wednesday night. This week they had no green onions, which means that we will have to take a second trip to the other grocery store.
We usually have to make a second trip to the other grocery store for the following:
1) the butter and mozzarella cheese is cheaper there
2) staples like flour and sugar is cheaper and more readily available
3) the first store is always out of Coke
4) they have the more basic vegetables that the other store is usually out of - like green onion
It's always interesting to me what kinds of imported foods you can find over here. A few weeks ago they had a few different kinds of bags of Malt-O-Meal cereal. I snagged a couple of those up pretty quick until I realized that they were over $5 a bag and put a few back. There has been a box of Golden Grahams that has been calling my name and if they still have it in stock, I'll be asking for it in my stocking. This store had applesauce when they first opened, but have never had it again since. You've got to grab it when you see it around here, because you never know if you are going to see it again.
The store we like to shop at the best is about 20 min away from our house. It is in a lovely new mall that has a lovely new grocery store in it. This means that I make Jason drive me there because I have issues with the truck we are borrowing this year. That my friendlies requires a whole separate blog post. When we can, we usually go on Monday morning. He heads to the coffee shop in the mall to catch up on computer work and I head to the grocery store.
Why do we drive 20 minutes to get to a grocery store when there is one 7 minutes away from our house? Well, let me list the reasons.
1) the produce there is way better - this is the main reason we go
2) way less people shop there
3) they have cheese (sadly, they don't carry cheddar, which is all I really want)
4) they have various types of American made chips
5) the meat seems better most days
Shopping here is always an adventure though. I usually have to meal plan for more than 7 meals a week because when you go to the store you never know what you are going to find. Last week they had no green or red peppers - out go the fajitas I was going to make on Wednesday night. This week they had no green onions, which means that we will have to take a second trip to the other grocery store.
We usually have to make a second trip to the other grocery store for the following:
1) the butter and mozzarella cheese is cheaper there
2) staples like flour and sugar is cheaper and more readily available
3) the first store is always out of Coke
4) they have the more basic vegetables that the other store is usually out of - like green onion
It's always interesting to me what kinds of imported foods you can find over here. A few weeks ago they had a few different kinds of bags of Malt-O-Meal cereal. I snagged a couple of those up pretty quick until I realized that they were over $5 a bag and put a few back. There has been a box of Golden Grahams that has been calling my name and if they still have it in stock, I'll be asking for it in my stocking. This store had applesauce when they first opened, but have never had it again since. You've got to grab it when you see it around here, because you never know if you are going to see it again.
Monday, September 17, 2012
be gone
That's it. I'm banishing Debbie Downer from this blog. My alter ego isn't allowed to play here anymore. I'm changing the password and not telling her what it is.
Monday, September 10, 2012
a choice
Today I gave my girl a choice. She wasn't allowed to bring her bad attitude into our 'classroom'. She had work to do for the day. If she couldn't get the attitude under control and get her work done it would roll over to the next day. I wasn't going to let her into the room to argue and fight with me.
I'm done with that strain on our relationship. Done.
So after getting kicked out a few times, she made the decision to come in, sit down, and do her work.
Maybe it needs to be her choice instead of me forcing her to do what she needs to do. Would that be how to handle a strong willed child that doesn't like being told what to do? Then if she doesn't make a wise choice she can deal with the logical consequences of her decision. Maybe we're on to something. Maybe.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
i forgot i had a blog
I think I've lost any blogging mojo that I might have once had. I no longer have the energy to be funny and witty. I'm out of happy cheery words. I'm sputtering out. Empty tank here friends. At least for today.
Things have mostly settled into a routine. School with the kids is about ready to do me in. It's been a couple of weeks now and it isn't getting any better around here. M had to eat lunch by herself today, a half an hour late, because it took her over 2 hours to do 10 math problems and I told her she couldn't eat lunch until she was half way done with her math assignment. Addition problems. It took the whole morning to do 1 journal entry and 10 math problems. Still not sure what to do with this child. We argue all day. About how she wants to go home. How I'm not as fun as her other teachers. About how mean I am. About how I give her too much work. Ugh. I feel like I'm assaulted verbally for a good 5 hours a day. That girl may not have skills with the books but she's got mad skills when it comes to a tongue lashing.
It has been exhausting. Utterly exhausting. I wake up in the morning thinking that I can't wait until it's Friday. It's been a really long time since I woke up every morning wishing for the weekend.
Last week I left the house twice. Once to do grocery shopping. Once to work on billing for the flight program. The rest of my week was spent at home. Arguing. Pleading. Promising. Threatening.
I just don't do leaving the house only twice a week. But there is no where to go. And if I go, I have to drive in our monstrosity of a truck - which most days feels like worse option than being stuck in the house.
There is now only a woman left holding on for dear life just to make it through the day. Groundhog's Day. Wake up, school, drip sweat, bed. Wake up, school, drip sweat, bed. Oh yes, and I've added in running on a treadmill since I don't usually walk further than the outside gate of my house during the week. I don't do running, but at least it's a way to walk more than 120 steps a day. Wake up, flop around on the treadmill, school, drip sweat, bed.
I know we'll survive. I've never heard of child or parent dying because of homeschooling. We'll get this figured out right before we leave. Until then, life goes on. And I'm going to take a nap.
Monday, August 13, 2012
hello antibiotics
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