are you adjusting?

Are you adjusting?  That's what Jason asked me last night before we went to bed.  He's already been on 2 flights and is now working regular hours at the hangar.  He's mostly switched over to the life he'll be living while we're here. At least that's what it seems like from my point of view (I know I can't speak on his behalf.)

I however, feel like I'm in a holding pattern.  I know, it's beginning to be a theme, right? The waiting.
Right now I feel like I'm pretending living here in the Philippines.  I haven't started school with the kids yet.  We aren't in a house, we're just surviving out of a couple of suitcases at the guest house.  I haven't had to be responsible for anything with the flight program yet.  The Daltons (I figure I might as well name them instead of calling them the other pilot family) have been feeding us half the time which has been a huge blessing to me to not have to figure out what we are going to eat every meal of the day since I'm still trying to figure out what I can buy at the stores (make sure and note that it is plural since you can't find everything at one store) and what I can make with what I can find.  I'm not out and about much unless I'm with someone else.  It's like life here hasn't really started yet.  Half started.  False started.

While I'm grateful for the time I have to ease into life here today was one of those days where I just felt uncomfortable being the main character in my own life.  The mom in command. Some days I wish I could just wake up and go to work and have someone tell me what to do so I didn't have to try and figure out what to do with my day and the kids' day.  I'm so bad at making decisions.  The disability of a perfectionist.  I wake up and don't know where to go with my day or where to try and take it or what to accomplish.

Read my Bible - check.
Take a shower and put my hair in an ugly ponytail - check.
Check facebook - check.
Do the dishes - check.
Put off exercising because I don't want to do a workout video in front of the kids and it's too hot anyway - check.
Rip the kids off of their electronic devices - check.
Read a book cause I'm not sure what else to do - check.
Try and figure out one of the reading programs I brought for the kids until I feel overwhelmed and frustrated and completely clueless - check.
Feed everyone lunch- check.
Do dishes again - check.
Kick the kids outside - check.
Wipe my sweaty face - check.

And it's only 1:00 in the afternoon.

I wonder what it is supposed to look like.  My day.  These long, undefined, unscripted days. I guess I'm the only one that can figure that out by the grace of God.  I need to listen.  And watch.  And be ready to participate. Some days it just feels so new that all I can do is stand and watch it go by.  I wave to it at the end of the night.  Turn off the light early and let the rest of it slip away.

Today I'm trying to figure out how to lead us into the new normal.

I started the kids with 'school' in the morning.  I'm pretty sure it was only about 2 pages each from a Costco workbook.  You would have thought I was asking them to memorize the periodic table of elements in one sitting.  Whine, cry, complain.

This afternoon when the power went out, I made them go outside.  It was SO unfair to them that I didn't have to go outside that I took my book outside and sat on a chair and read just to show them it could be done. They both just squatted on the ground next to me staring out at the grass.  You would have thought I told them they had to tight rope walk across a lake of hungry crocodiles.  Whine, cry, complain.

I think it is going to take some time for the 3 of us to figure out how this goes.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a little easier.