princess

   Meet Princess.  She's the girl next door.  This sweet little thing knows how to ask for candy and money like no other.  Mirielle is trying to figure out what it looks like to be her friend.  She was sweet enough today to let me snap a few pictures of her.  I was trying to get her to really smile because she has lost her 2 front teeth but she wouldn't crack a smile big enough.  Trust me, I gave her lots of visual cues that I wanted to see her wide open mouth. Lots of cues since she didn't understand a word of my English.  I must have looked like quite the looney toon.

Her family lives right in front of us.  They are squatters in a pieced together shack and we share our electricity with them so they can run a light bulb when it is dark out.  This week the landlord of our house and surrounding property started moving in supplies to build a bed and breakfast in the lot where her family lives.  I imagine her dad must be wondering when he will loose his spot on the land that isn't his.  He's old and injured and he can't provide much for his little family.  Princess is his only child.

For now we will keep feeding her candy while she's the girl next door.

blessing

This has been sitting on my screen for days waiting to be written but no words have been coming.  The last 3 mornings I’ve woken up with a knot in my stomach.  The question that keeps asking itself over and over again, “What in the world are we doing here?”

Our weeks here in the Philippines have been wonderful, horrible, busy, boring, inspiring and depressing. 

The reality never quite matches with the dreams we dream. 

We thought we were coming to be used.  We thought a calendar full of flights would tell us how needed we were here.  We would be able to pat ourselves on the back for saving the day.  Not so.    

Purpose here.  It is eluding me.  The question asks itself again, “What in the world are we doing here?”

We find out that there are hidden costs.  The bills here are piling up while we stare at an empty bank account.  Every flight we go deeper into the pit.  Every cloud that has to be dodged has a dollar attached.   Visa renewals are getting closer on the calendar.  It was so easy to trust that the Lord would provide before we got here.  There was a safety net.  If the money didn’t come through, we didn’t go.  Now if the money isn’t there we carry that great big red mark on the paper for how long? 

The cost has been so high to come here I think, as I sit here with my child crying on my lap, both of us sweating because we are so close.  Her tears rolling down my chest.  The cost to my kids.  The cost to our family. 

Yet I know there are riches here to be found.  The silver lining in the cloud.  The truth is, there is so much fullness to be had in us being here.  Fullness we have yet to discover.  Fullness we hope for in faith.   Fullness the Lord is opening up to us moment by moment and asking us to hold our arms wide open and embrace. 

So I take this question that won’t leave my mind and I turn it back to the One who called us here.  We know He called us here.  Lord, what in the world are we doing here?  Why do you have us here?

Be a blessing.  Let me use you to be a blessing.

“Lord,” I think, “ I’m not sure that is good enough.”  We should only have to go through this, travel this road, be here, if people can’t live without us.  If we can puff up our chest in pride and find value by our own shallow definition.  

The cost, the personal cost is too high, the financial cost is too high.  How do we justify to ourselves, to those who sacrifice to make it possible for us to be here, that possibly, we are here just to be a blessing?  Not good enough.

It’s terrifying.  I have to let go.  I have to look past how we define ourselves and what we think is valuable.  I can let go or I can wake up the rest of the year with a knot in my stomach feeling like a waste.  I have to recalibrate.

Be a blessing, He says. 

Be a blessing to the family you came to replace so they can go home and enjoy being with family and allow them to rest. 

Be a blessing to your daughter who is sitting on your lap crying because she hates school and struggles with reading.

Be a blessing to your husband who needs you to sit by the computer and track his moves and listen to a scratchy radio that hardly works so that he’ll know you’ve always got his back. 

Be a blessing to the family that is out from the village and invite them over for dinner even though it will be a long day. 

Be a blessing to the girl who helps you around the house when she sits down to eat with you.  Show her what a Christian family looks like.  Her dad abandoned her.  She doesn’t know. 

Be a blessing.

American dreams are about this need to become a someone.  God dreams are about becoming bread for anyone in need because they love SomeOne.   Ann Voskamp

character

We've started school around here. For real this time.

We probably didn't really NEED to start but there isn't much to do around here and the kids needed something to do besides spending the whole entire day starting at some sort of a screen.

Mirielle continues to fight, complain, whine, cry, argue (feel free to insert any other verb in there that you can think of). It really has been a battle of the will with her. She was pulling out anything and everything she could think of to go against me and having to sit and do work.  At first it was about the work.  Then it was about how we ruined her life.  Then it was about how we ruined her friends' lives too.  All the stops my friend, all the stops.

Last week I feel like I spent the better part of my week being verbally abused by my 9 year old. It was completely exhausting.

Right now we are just working on review sheets from a workbook. And heaven forbid, I asked her to write a 7 sentence letter to her teacher. The first night I made her keep at it until 6:30 at night. The second day until 4:30. The rest of the week wasn't much better. And the sheets that she hasn't done just keep stacking up.

I don't know how to reach this kid.

While I was sitting in the office/school room last week with her I read through these verses.

Romans 5:3-5 
We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts though the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Heaven knows this child thinks she is suffering.  And today I am praying that this year will be a major milestone in the growth of her character.  Character that comes through endurance that leads to hope.  Praying that for me too.  Because quite honestly I'd like to give up on her.  Already.  Endurance Lord, endurance.  Character.  Hope.

I know this really is a huge change for her.  In some ways I'm proud of her for handling it so well.  She is such an amazingly fantastic kid.  This is our sticking point, though.  This is where the Lord needs to change both of us.  We're both buying into the lie that we can't do it.  And it is a LONG year ahead.

skyping with friends

father's day

I have to say I love this man and how he leads our family. I love all of the time he invests with the kids. How he is a teacher to them in our home. He always challenges the kids to think through a problem. Work toward a solution. Consider the options. He takes the time to explain to them how things work. From a remote control car to a relationship with a friend. He is an example of adventure. He is an example of wisdom. He is an example of love. 

 Today we celebrated him with a beautiful view at a lovely restaurant.

 And I learned not to order the shrimp dish.

mirielle's world

Mirielle has turned into an island girl since we've moved here.  

The mosquitoes especially love me.  I have more bites then the whole family combined. They itch and itch like crazy!  Sometimes it is hard to go to sleep because I can't stop scratching them. 

There are lots of fun things to explore.  I found a great place to hide from my brother in this big basket that is on our porch.

The guest house where we are staying has lots of fun things to do.  This is the perfect tree to practice surfing on.  I love the rope swing and the hammock too.

It is crazy hot here but we find ways to stay cool.  There is always a fan blowing somewhere.  Every once in a while the power gets turned off and then it gets really hot! 

This weekend we got to go to the beach.  It was a fun way to forget the heat.  I learned how to boogie board while we were at the beach.  I could stay in the water all day!

Today I'm going down to the hangar to help my dad wash the plane.  It is one way I can get out of some school work with my mom.

I found this can of squid at the grocery store here.  There are lots of weird things that you can find at the store here.  Big whole fish with their heads still on, pigs feet, and lots of other things that you don't see at home.  

One of my favorite things I've done since we've been in the Philippines was going to a mall where they sold all kinds of pearls.  I shopped and shopped and finally picked these out as my favorite.  

And now that I've been getting some sun on my face, I even look like I have a few freckles.  My mom thinks they are super cute.

kellan's world

Kellan is loving all of the animals and insects here in the Philippines.  When it rains there are toads everywhere at night.  He's caught a few toads that have managed to sneak into the house.

This is a budiki.

They crawl all over the walls here inside and outside of the house.  I've only caught three of these because they are super fast!

Getting around here can be very different.  If you don't have a car you can hire a trike and ride for about 25 cents to get across town.  

The drivers sometimes name their trikes crazy things and paint them up to look fancy.  

Another way to get around is by jeepney.  This jeepney was headed up into the mountains so it was full of people and stuff.  Most of them aren't this full, but they can get pretty crowded!  

This was one night when we went out to dinner with 2 other families.  One of the families had a car so all of the kids piled in the back seat.  We don't have to worry about sitting in car seats here!  

Pretty soon we will get to drive this truck for the rest of the time we are here in the Philippines.  It is big and can even go almost all the way under the water.  It is super tough and you can drive it into the mountains and go off-roading with it!

Today I went to the hangar to watch my dad work on the airplane.   We helped him push it out of the hangar so he could wash it.

Last weekend we got to go to the beach.  It is hot here and the beach is a fun way to cool off.  I learned how to catch a wave on a boogie board.

Sometimes we can find crazy stuff at the grocery store.  Some of the stuff here is the same as at home.  They have root beer, rice, spaghetti, oreos and chips that we can get in the United States.  We saw this can of squid and thought it was pretty gross!  

first flight

sticky sweaty mess

This is a test.  If you answer the questions correctly consider yourself a genius.

Jason is sweaty because he:
a) was in a 1 hour wrestling match with an elephant
b) walked from Phoenix to the Mexican border in June
c) rearranged a few items in our suitcases, weighed them on a scale and loaded them into a van. In Manila.

Jen's shirt is full of sweat because she:
a) worked out in the yard pulling weeds all afternoon
b) sat in the sauna at the gym for the health of her complexion
c) took a shower, put her hair in a ponytail, put on her makeup, and made herself an iced coffee.

The heat and the humidity is one of the hardest things to deal with here.  Jason looks pretty close to the pictures above when he comes home from baking in the hangar all day.  Good thing this guy knows to stay hydrated.

It's hard to crawl into bed at night into limp damp sheets.  It's hard to be close to the kids because they feel so sticky.  They stick to my sticky self when they try to cuddle up.  I can hardly put my hair into a pony tail because my hair sticks to my back and my arms when I try to pull it up and then sticks to my hands and fingers when I try to wrap it into the rubber band.  I feel like I can hardly move because I stick to myself just moving around the house.

We're starting to figure out key strategic times to run the air con unit in our apartment.  I need it when I get out of the shower and try and get ready in the morning.  I can't handle feeling sticky 35 seconds after I dry off.  Jason needs it when he gets home from work.  He needs a little cool down time after sweating it out all day, which works great for me to have it going while I'm fixing dinner too.  Thankfully, it has been cool enough to leave the windows open and the fans blowing during the night.  Electricity is almost 4 times what it costs in the States though so we try to be mindful of how much we use.  Ugh!  I think I might try to get a job at one of the local nice hotels at the air conditioned front desk and just keep the kids hidden under the counter!

It's quite the adjustment especially considering the high was in the 50s last week in Spokane.  Good thing we're so tough!  HA!

are you adjusting?

Are you adjusting?  That's what Jason asked me last night before we went to bed.  He's already been on 2 flights and is now working regular hours at the hangar.  He's mostly switched over to the life he'll be living while we're here. At least that's what it seems like from my point of view (I know I can't speak on his behalf.)

I however, feel like I'm in a holding pattern.  I know, it's beginning to be a theme, right? The waiting.
Right now I feel like I'm pretending living here in the Philippines.  I haven't started school with the kids yet.  We aren't in a house, we're just surviving out of a couple of suitcases at the guest house.  I haven't had to be responsible for anything with the flight program yet.  The Daltons (I figure I might as well name them instead of calling them the other pilot family) have been feeding us half the time which has been a huge blessing to me to not have to figure out what we are going to eat every meal of the day since I'm still trying to figure out what I can buy at the stores (make sure and note that it is plural since you can't find everything at one store) and what I can make with what I can find.  I'm not out and about much unless I'm with someone else.  It's like life here hasn't really started yet.  Half started.  False started.

While I'm grateful for the time I have to ease into life here today was one of those days where I just felt uncomfortable being the main character in my own life.  The mom in command. Some days I wish I could just wake up and go to work and have someone tell me what to do so I didn't have to try and figure out what to do with my day and the kids' day.  I'm so bad at making decisions.  The disability of a perfectionist.  I wake up and don't know where to go with my day or where to try and take it or what to accomplish.

Read my Bible - check.
Take a shower and put my hair in an ugly ponytail - check.
Check facebook - check.
Do the dishes - check.
Put off exercising because I don't want to do a workout video in front of the kids and it's too hot anyway - check.
Rip the kids off of their electronic devices - check.
Read a book cause I'm not sure what else to do - check.
Try and figure out one of the reading programs I brought for the kids until I feel overwhelmed and frustrated and completely clueless - check.
Feed everyone lunch- check.
Do dishes again - check.
Kick the kids outside - check.
Wipe my sweaty face - check.

And it's only 1:00 in the afternoon.

I wonder what it is supposed to look like.  My day.  These long, undefined, unscripted days. I guess I'm the only one that can figure that out by the grace of God.  I need to listen.  And watch.  And be ready to participate. Some days it just feels so new that all I can do is stand and watch it go by.  I wave to it at the end of the night.  Turn off the light early and let the rest of it slip away.

Today I'm trying to figure out how to lead us into the new normal.

I started the kids with 'school' in the morning.  I'm pretty sure it was only about 2 pages each from a Costco workbook.  You would have thought I was asking them to memorize the periodic table of elements in one sitting.  Whine, cry, complain.

This afternoon when the power went out, I made them go outside.  It was SO unfair to them that I didn't have to go outside that I took my book outside and sat on a chair and read just to show them it could be done. They both just squatted on the ground next to me staring out at the grass.  You would have thought I told them they had to tight rope walk across a lake of hungry crocodiles.  Whine, cry, complain.

I think it is going to take some time for the 3 of us to figure out how this goes.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a little easier.