I wanted to do this. To go, to travel, to minister, to spend time together as a family, to see friends, experience all that we missed the first time because we were such a mess. Bring it on.
The last few weeks though pieces of reality have started to sink in. Pieces of doing this job that I didn't want to do back then and still don't want to do now.
I live in a world where I am the master of my day. Every once in a while I have a commitment, but not often. I have a 'job' but it is really just a hobby that I get paid to do and love. I choose when to work and how I can arrange my schedule around when and how I want to spend my time with my kids. I try to keep somewhat busy because if I spend more than a day or two at home I go crazy. That usually means having coffee with friends. Or Zumba. Or shopping at Target.
I live in a world where many of my friends have kids that are getting older. In a normal American mom sort of way I feel in a way like I have done my time with my littles at home and now I have the time and the freedom to choose what I want to do on a daily basis. I started a business. I live among friends who are going back to school, starting new careers, owning their own businesses, getting published in books. The list and the dreams go on.
The ugly honest is that I'm not excited about the ROLE that I am stepping into by heading back to the Philippines. The ugly honest is that it was one of the pieces of the puzzle that brought us home. My ugly selfishness.
Being part of the aviation ministry is a TEAM thing. We didn't really get that when we signed on with New Tribes. What I would need to do.
Jason goes off and does what he loves - flying airplanes. While he is in the air I am on the radio at a desk at home. It is just what the pilot's wife does. And the kids. They have to keep it quiet so that the radio can be heard. Hand them off to the house help. Heaven help us.
I'm not trying to knock the job. I know that it needs to be done for the safety of my husband. It's super important as he has explained to me over and over. Trying to convince me that it is a very noble job. But I don't want to do it. There are some wives who don't mind. For them I am happy. Not me. There are about a million and a half other things that I would rather do. I don't even like to talk on the phone, let alone a scratchy radio. And sit by a desk instead of being with people or being out and about or hanging with my kids. Just kill me.
My typical American mind tells me that this team thing isn't okay. Not fair that it is just assumed that this is what I will do. A preassigned job. When we came to Moody no one told me that I had to come in and be the secretary for 15 hours a week because they needed someone to answer the phones. That it was really important. When our friend started a new physical therapy practice, no one told his wife that she had to work in his office so that the business could survive the hard beginning days. So who has the right to tell me that I have to sit at a desk and follow Jason's every move when he is in the air?
It has been a serious struggle the last few weeks. That letting go of rights. While so many around me are running forward in the pursuit of self fulfillment I feel like I am taking a million steps backwards. And there are parts of me that are fighting so hard against the sacrifice and the change of mind and the letting go of rights that it will require that I can make myself physically sick. It's how I ended up with panic attacks. My body revolting right along with my mind.
The last few weeks have been full of cries to God. Oh Lord. Show me how. To live gracefully.
He has whispered through all of my shouting.
"You have a choice"
You are not going to find anything worth while if you keep going to draw living waters from the well of self. The deep well is Me. I am Life.
You can hold on to what you think is yours. Your rights. Your time. Your self.
And you can ruin the opportunity I have given you. To experience redemption. To experience healing. To experience grace. To experience Me.
Or you can let it all go and live in freedom.
I've made my decision. Although sometime I have to remind myself daily. Sometimes every 15 minutes. When that accusing voice whispers, "it's not fair", "what about you?" "you are called to more than this" "you had a dream and this isn't it".
I shout back with my hands wide open. YOURS LORD. It's all yours. Thank you for giving me the chance to choose you over myself. To choose my family and all they will experience this next year over myself. To choose ministry over the right to choose how to spend my time. To choose to seek You instead of me.
And He keeps encouraging me. Reading from "Jesus Calling" this morning.
"This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. Take time to bask in the Light of My Love. As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My care.
You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence. The One who never leaves you is the same One who never changes: I am the same yesterday, today, and forever. As you relase more and more things into My care, remember that I never let go of your hand. Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstances can take from you."
He is so good.
