This has been sitting on my screen for days waiting
to be written but no words have been coming.
The last 3 mornings I’ve woken up with a knot in my stomach. The question that keeps asking itself over
and over again, “What in the world are we doing here?”
Our weeks here in the Philippines have been wonderful,
horrible, busy, boring, inspiring and depressing.
The reality never quite matches with the
dreams we dream.
We thought we were coming to be used. We thought a calendar full of flights would
tell us how needed we were here. We
would be able to pat ourselves on the back for saving the day. Not so.
Purpose here. It is
eluding me. The question asks itself
again, “What in the world are we doing here?”
We find out that there are hidden costs. The bills here are piling up while we stare
at an empty bank account. Every flight
we go deeper into the pit. Every cloud
that has to be dodged has a dollar attached.
Visa renewals are getting closer on the calendar. It was so easy to trust that the Lord would
provide before we got here. There was a
safety net. If the money didn’t come
through, we didn’t go. Now if the money
isn’t there we carry that great big red mark on the paper for how long?
The cost has been so high to come here I think, as I sit here
with my child crying on my lap, both of us sweating because we are so
close. Her tears rolling down my
chest. The cost to my kids. The cost to our family.
Yet I know there are riches here to be found. The silver lining in the cloud. The truth is, there is so much fullness to be
had in us being here. Fullness we have
yet to discover. Fullness we hope for in
faith. Fullness the Lord is opening up
to us moment by moment and asking us to hold our arms wide open and
embrace.
So I take this question that won’t leave my mind and I turn
it back to the One who called us here.
We know He called us here. Lord,
what in the world are we doing here? Why
do you have us here?
Be a blessing. Let me use you to be a blessing.
“Lord,” I think, “ I’m not sure that is good enough.” We should only have to go through this,
travel this road, be here, if people can’t live without us. If we can puff up our chest in pride and find
value by our own shallow definition.
The
cost, the personal cost is too high, the financial cost is too high. How do we justify to ourselves, to those who
sacrifice to make it possible for us to be here, that possibly, we are here
just to be a blessing? Not good enough.
It’s terrifying. I have
to let go. I have to look past how we
define ourselves and what we think is valuable.
I can let go or I can wake up the rest of the year with a knot in my
stomach feeling like a waste. I have to
recalibrate.
Be a blessing, He
says.
Be a blessing to the family you came to replace so they can
go home and enjoy being with family and allow them to rest.
Be a blessing to your daughter who is sitting on your lap
crying because she hates school and struggles with reading.
Be a blessing to your husband who needs you to sit by the
computer and track his moves and listen to a scratchy radio that hardly works
so that he’ll know you’ve always got his back.
Be a blessing to the family that is out from the village and
invite them over for dinner even though it will be a long day.
Be a blessing to the girl who helps you around the house
when she sits down to eat with you. Show
her what a Christian family looks like.
Her dad abandoned her. She
doesn’t know.
Be a blessing.
American dreams are about this need to become a someone. God dreams are about becoming bread for anyone in need because they love SomeOne. Ann Voskamp
