oh ann

Have you read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp?

If you haven't you better crawl out from whatever rock you've been living under and buy it now.  Right now.  Go to Amazon.  Now.  And don't forget her blog.  

This woman has words.  She's a modern day prophet.  

There are days when her words speak from the page and they sit like salve, healing a spot that I didn't know needed healing.  Some days there are words that are like the hydrogen peroxide we've been pouring over our scrapes and cuts and bug bites.  Burning, stinging, bubbling up the bad in order to clean and make new.  

This came out of her recent blog entry,  "Why You Should Smile Right Now."   

These words have rolled around in my head for days.  Confronting my actions.  Knocking heads with my reactions to two specific small people that live in my house.  

“Why deprive myself of joy’s oxygen?

The swiftness and starkness of the answer startle.

Because you believe in the power of the pit.

Really?

Do I really smother my own joy because I believe that anger achieves more than love?

That Satan’s way is more powerful, more practical, more fulfilling in my daily life than Jesus’ way? Why else get angry?

Is it because I think complaining, exasperation, resentment will pound me up into the full life I really want?

When I choose — and it is a choice — to crush joy with bitterness, am I not purposefully choosing to take the way of the Prince of Darkness?

Choosing the angry way of Lucifer because I think it is more effective — more expedient— than giving thanks? than living joy?”

It hits me hard.  How can I think I can use my anger, my frustration, my disappointment to pound my kids into seekers of joy, proclaimers of truth, and lovers of good, let alone good behavior when they are arguing with each other or complaining about school.   Yelling should produce patience between my kids.  Threatening should produce joy in learning. Bribery should produce a feeling of pride in a job well done.  

In what world does that add up? 

There are days when anger certainly feels more practical.  It seems more effective.  It appears to work so much faster. It is such an easier sword to wield than encouragement or patience.  

But, how often do I crush joy in my home?  Let me rephrase that.  How many times in a day do I crust joy in my home?  I don't even want to count. My kids would probably tell you that there are days I let my anger fly around like a whip.  Somewhere in my head, I've believed the lie that I can pound my kids into good behavior, into the wonderful sweet kids I know they can be.  

Lord help me.  

Cynicism isn't strength and ranting doesn't rejuvenate and frustration can never accomplish what Faith can.  

Does my life testify to my belief in the power of complaint - or the power of Christ.  

I speak cynicism and my kids speak complaint.  No wonder. 

It's a wonder though that God confronts. He gives us the chance to change and to grow.  

Thank goodness for grace. 
Thank goodness for the chance to try again. And again. And again. 

And when my kids complain for the 35 time of the week about doing their word sorts and it's only Wednesday, God is giving me the chance to choose joy.  To choose it for myself.  To choose it for my kids.  Practice living it out.  These words just keep rattling around in my head.  

I think about how thankful I am that this year I get to be sojourners of joy alongside my kids as we live and learn in this sticky sweaty jungle paradise.  We're learning.  Slowly.