goodbye girls. i'm going to miss you

I bet you though this was going to be a post about my wonderful friends. Gotcha!

I just wanted to make sure no one was going to put me on a pedestal after my last post.  One of those "You are a super spiritual missionary" pedestal.  I want to make sure I keep it real here.  So I confess.  I will miss these babies this next year.  They are going straight into a box and headed to the basement.  No need to take them.  No where to wear them. And my feet are too big to find shoes in the Philippines. They will be lonely this next year and I will be lonely for them. So sad.  Looking at these pictures makes me think that I need a little more color in my shoe wardrobe.  I think they will need a pair of turquoise ones to keep them company next year!

the ugly honest - it's a long one

So, I have to admit that there have been lots of ugly things that have surfaced in my life since we decided to head back to the Philippines.  I was the first one to say YES when the opportunity presented itself for us to go back overseas.  Jason was surprised that I was as excited as I was to go.  I was ready.

I wanted to do this.  To go, to travel, to minister, to spend time together as a family, to see friends, experience all that we missed the first time because we were such a mess.  Bring it on.

The last few weeks though pieces of reality have started to sink in.  Pieces of doing this job that I didn't want to do back then and still don't want to do now.

I live in a world where I am the master of my day.  Every once in a while I have a commitment, but not often. I have a 'job' but it is really just a hobby that I get paid to do and love.  I choose when to work and how I can arrange my schedule around when and how I want to spend my time with my kids.  I try to keep somewhat busy because if I spend more than a day or two at home I go crazy.  That usually means having coffee with friends.  Or Zumba.  Or shopping at Target.  

I live in a world where many of my friends have kids that are getting older.  In a normal American mom sort of way I feel in a way like I have done my time with my littles at home and now I have the time and the freedom to choose what I want to do on a daily basis.  I started a business.  I live among friends who are going back to school, starting new careers, owning their own businesses, getting published in books.  The list and the dreams go on.

The ugly honest is that I'm not excited about the ROLE that I am stepping into by heading back to the Philippines.  The ugly honest is that it was one of the pieces of the puzzle that brought us home.  My ugly selfishness.

Being part of the aviation ministry is a TEAM thing.  We didn't really get that when we signed on with New Tribes.  What I would need to do.

Jason goes off and does what he loves - flying airplanes.  While he is in the air I am on the radio at a desk at home.  It is just what the pilot's wife does.  And the kids.  They have to keep it quiet so that the radio can be heard.  Hand them off to the house help.  Heaven help us.

I'm not trying to knock the job.  I know that it needs to be done for the safety of my husband.  It's super important as he has explained to me over and over.  Trying to convince me that it is a very noble job.  But I don't want to do it.  There are some wives who don't mind.  For them I am happy.  Not me.  There are about a million and a half other things that I would rather do.  I don't even like to talk on the phone, let alone a scratchy radio.  And sit by a desk instead of being with people or being out and about or hanging with my kids.  Just kill me.

My typical American mind tells me that this team thing isn't okay.  Not fair that it is just assumed that this is what I will do.  A preassigned job.  When we came to Moody no one told me that I had to come in and be the secretary for 15 hours a week because they needed someone to answer the phones.  That it was really important.  When our friend started a new physical therapy practice, no one told his wife that she had to work in his office so that the business could survive the hard beginning days.  So who has the right to tell me that I have to sit at a desk and follow Jason's every move when he is in the air?

It has been a serious struggle the last few weeks.  That letting go of rights.  While so many around me are running forward in the pursuit of self fulfillment I feel like I am taking a million steps backwards.  And there are parts of me that are fighting so hard against the sacrifice and the change of mind and the letting go of rights that it will require that I can make myself physically sick.  It's how I ended up with panic attacks.  My body revolting right along with my mind.

The last few weeks have been full of cries to God.  Oh Lord.  Show me how.  To live gracefully.

He has whispered through all of my shouting.

"You have a choice"

You are not going to find anything worth while if you keep going to draw living waters from the well of self.  The deep well is Me.  I am Life.
You can hold on to what you think is yours.  Your rights.  Your time.  Your self.
And you can ruin the opportunity I have given you.  To experience redemption.  To experience healing.  To experience grace.  To experience Me.  

Or you can let it all go and live in freedom.

I've made my decision.  Although sometime I have to remind myself daily.  Sometimes every 15 minutes.  When that accusing voice whispers, "it's not fair", "what about you?" "you are called to more than this" "you had a dream and this isn't it".

I shout back with my hands wide open.  YOURS LORD.  It's all yours.  Thank you for giving me the chance to choose you over myself.  To choose my family and all they will experience this next year over myself.  To choose ministry over the right to choose how to spend my time.  To choose to seek You instead of me.

And He keeps encouraging me.  Reading from "Jesus Calling" this morning.

"This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control.  In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete.  Take time to bask in the Light of My Love.  As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into My care.

You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence.  The One who never leaves you is the same One who never changes:  I am the same yesterday, today, and forever.  As you relase more and more things into My care, remember that I never let go of your hand.  Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstances can take from you."


He is so good.

weekend

life is more fun in the Philippines

ugh

life rule #7

try not to be a snot to people simply because I am frustrated with someone or because it feels good to let someone have it.  it sure feels like crap when you are on the receiving end.

winter update

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace.  Isaiah 55:12

I know you are probably thinking, “I just got a newsletter from the Schwabs last month.  Why are they sending me another one?  They must be spending their kids’ inheritance on postage.” Which would be partly true.  We did just send you a newsletter, but we’ve got new news and it isn’t going to be what you think it is, so keep reading!  

Because we can’t resist an adventure

God must have been chuckling when I wrote that as the title of our last newsletter.  Wouldn’t you know it, He had a huge adventure waiting for us just around the corner.  Something totally NOT on our radar screen!

Jason and I attended a marriage conference outside of Seattle in the middle of November.  After the conference we were feeling renewed and united in our marriage and our ministry.  The day after we got home we received an e-mail from the chief pilot in the Philippines.   

Would we consider coming to fly in the Philippines for a year? 

It went on to say that the flight program needs a pilot to cover the island of Palawan while the family there returned to the States for their furlough.  The pilot who was scheduled to relieve them has been delayed for about a year which would severely inhibit the church planting works in the tribal locations.  

At this point in the story, I just have to declare God’s goodness.  The fact that my first response was excitement about going back to the Philippines is a testament to the power of healing and grace that He has showered out in my life in the last year (even if initially it was for something as shallow as being near a beach and in the sun—hey, you’ve got to give a northwest girl a break!). 

As Jason and I talked through the opportunity, our excitement grew.  Even though we could think of things that could be difficult, like getting our house rented out and the possibility of homeschooling (insert ‘deer in the headlight’ stare from me), we weren’t able to come up with a single reason why we would not pursue wholeheartedly the chance to go back.  Even the kids are ready to go!

We would be going back to the island we left, where Jason flew and already knows the airstrips and we know the town.  We would be able to live in the house and borrow the car of the family that we will be relieving.  We feel like it would be an amazing experience for our kids to see what life outside of the States is like and to see what we do as  missionaries overseas.  Jason would be back in the pilot seat.  We are hoping that it is even an encouragement to the students in the Moody program to see us willing to serve again in the Philippines.  There are so many things to be thankful for. 

We feel like going back will be another step towards proclaiming healing in our family.  We love the thought of going back full of life and power and ready to be an encouragement to those we will work with, which is such a contrast to the brokenness and emptiness we left the field with 5 years ago.

Besides benefiting us personally, our ability to serve there for a year is extremely important to the work in the various tribal areas that is currently going on in Palawan.  One team has JUST started teaching through the Bible and would not be able to remain in their village without flight support.  Being pulled out of their location at this point in the teaching would be detrimental to the years of work that have led up to this exciting point in their ministry.  One of the tribal ministries that has been on Palawan for the last 20 years will be printing and delivering the first copies of the translated Bible to the tribe for the first time.  They need flight service to get the Bibles into the tribe and continue discipleship.  In January of 2013, a team will be moving into a new tribal location to start their ministry.  This requires the use of the airplane and their start date would be delayed without flight service available to them.  We are NEEDED and we are willing! 

Can you tell we are excited?!

fall update

The annual “Big Trip” from Jason

 One of the highlights of the program here at Moody Aviation is the Extended Cross Country project.  I’ve gone with the students the past several years and this year I was entrusted with leading the group.  This gave me a great perspective of how each person responds to the trip and all the learning opportunities there were along the way.  We took them on an 11 day loop of the western U.S. which included flights in busy airspace (San Francisco, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, and Salt Lake City), navigation in unfamiliar areas, mountain flying in Utah & Idaho, and plenty of character building as we spend all day every day  together. 

The trip provides application of the principles they’ve learned and deepens their experience level with the benefit of supervision rather than jumping into the deep end once they’re on their own.  Each student returned from the trip thankful for the experience and all it taught them.  I really enjoyed pointing out to them how great it is to be a part of the body of Christ as we interacted with people along the way.  A highlight of the trip was our stop in Salt Lake City where we stayed with gracious supporters and visited Southeast Christian Church.  Thanks so much for being a part of our ministry!

Because we can’t resist adventure from Jen

I’d like to think that we’re fairly adventurous people.  In the 11 years that we’ve been married, we’ve had our fair share.  This summer our latest adventures took us, along with the Schwab clan, to Glacier National Park and Yellowstone for a fabulous family vacation.  Adventure is the Schwab family’s middle name so there was lots of fun to be had! 

Last year I took  a flying leap off of a cliff and started a photography business.  Adventure is my middle name too even though I only married into the Schwab family.  It has been a really rewarding year and one of learning to set boundaries, trying out new ideas, getting taken advantage of, meeting new people, and having lots of fun.  I’ve been so thankful to be able to have a creative outlet.  It makes me feel like I finally fit into my side of the family, whose middle name happens to be Art!

Lately we feel like God has been calling us to a new adventure.  It has been an adventure that has been in the works of my heart since I was in 6th grade and my aunt got the call that she could go and pick up her precious little boy from the hospital.   It’s been a calling that has been a point of discussion since Jason and I met.  It has been a source of heartache and frustration as it seemed it was never the right time over the last few years. But the time is here.  Now.  Finally. 

 Adoption

After years and years of thinking and dreaming about it, I had completely given up on us ever adding to our family.  I started a business last year because I knew that both of our kids were going to be in school full time this year and I had transitioned in my mind to being a mom with time on her hands.  So when Jason came to me this spring and said now is the time, I resisted.  I was done changing diapers.  I was done with high chairs and Cheerios on the floor.  No way.  But this summer the Lord has been picking away at my heart.  Revealing my selfishness.  Challenging me with the bigger picture of who He wants our family to be. Inviting me to be a partaker in His faithfulness.  So I considered.  Then, I said only if we could bring 2 kids home.  Jason agreed.  The kids are stoked.  Things will never be the same.

The subject of adoption didn’t just bring up concerns about car seats and sippy cups though.  How could we possibly raise the money to bring 2 kids home?  How will we be able to support a family of 6?  How?  How?  How? 

God keeps whispering this word in my ear.  Faithful.  Faithful.  Faithful.  You will find Me faithful. 

“I will sing of the Lord’s great love forever; with my mouth I will make known your faithfulness to all generations.”  Ps 89:1

This decision will change the fates of generations.  My heart’s cry is that generations of Schwabs will be singing of His love and faithfulness. 

We think we have an advantage in being in missions the last 10 years.  We have seen God’s faithfulness over and over again.  We can look to His faithfulness every month when he provides us, through you, the money to pay our rent and buy our groceries.  I know that if, after 13 years of talking about adoption, He could get Jason and I to the place where we both said “Yes Lord” that the money to bring home 2 kids and provide for them will be easy and nothing more than a drop in the bucket to Him who is able.  Faithful.   

I’ve spent the last few weeks writing adoption agencies. Looking at one country and then the next.  Looking at houses that would be better able to accommodate a family of 6.  I feel like my head is going to spin off of my body.  Yesterday I managed to lock myself out of the house and then lock myself into the back yard.  My hero had to come rescue me.  Thank goodness my kids are in school because I would probably accidentally leave them in Target on a trip to buy toilet paper.  Things feel a bit like I’m in the middle of a whirlwind right now. But that whisper just keeps coming.  Faithful.  Faithful. Faithful. 

 Are you excited?  We are.  Do you hear the whisper?  Get ready for the adventure.

In with the new

Can't believe it's been a year since I last posted.  Lots of news for us.  Time to start writing again.

Hello Disgusting. Good Morning Gross.

So Jas and I started the end of the year out with a detox/cleanse.  He read about this particular one in a magazine and since he's had so much trouble with his stomach lately we thought we would give it a shot.  I agreed that I would give it a go with him and even though it hasn't been quite as bad as I thought, there have been lots of times that I've wished I would have allowed him to embark on this food journey alone. 

The bummer is that half way through it, it doesn't seem to be clearing up any of the issues that we were hoping it would.  And alas, I don't think I'm going to finish the month out looking like Heidi Klum, although I am no longer popping out of the top of my pants and other clothing items, which is very good news indeed. 

The low down: we eat a liquid meal for breakfast and dinner and then a restricted lunch.  The hardest part for me has been giving up coffee in the morning - no caffeine, no coffee, even decaf.  I usually roll out of bed and go directly to the coffee pot.  Sometimes I set the timer the night before and have it waiting for me when I get up and if not I stand and watch it drip into the pot until there is enough for a cup.  I'm not even in it for the caffeine, just something warm and wonderful to get me going.  I've had lots of herbal tea lately, but it just doesn't cut it.  A week and a half to go and I get my blessed coffee back. 

We've had lots of weird juice concoctions.  Jason is such a machine, he can just down it, probably like he downed certain beverages in college (I'm just speculating since I didn't know him in college).  Or to give him the benefit of the doubt and probably more the case, maybe he just downs that nasty juice like he does a glass full of water at the end of a bike ride.  There have been nights were I just sit at the table and stare at my glass and try and gag the thing down one gulp at a time. 

A week and a half to go.  I'm dreaming of hamburgers already.

In other news, we are trying to decide what in the world to do about our church 'situation'.  In May we started going to a new church that we love, love, love - mostly.  The only problem is that if we fell over dead and never showed up to church again, I don't think more than a single person would notice.  And that single person is the children's director who checks our kids in on Sunday mornings.  It is getting to the point that we are getting a little lonely.  So we're trying to decide what to do, what to do.  UGHH!  It has been just another friendly reminder that this world is not our home and nothing here on this earth is perfect.  It has really convicted me though about being friendly, even if it is just making eye contact and smiling. 

We're also trying to plan out our trip to AZ.  We're headed down for a missions conference at our home church during the middle of February.   I have already made a schedule of where we are on which days, which evenings and afternoons we are going to be seeing people and when I get to meet my cousin's new little baby and spend time with my nephew that I haven't seen since June.  It is always such a struggle when we are there because whenever we go the time gets divided between my immediate and extended family, my friends, our 'couple' friends, the church, supporters and in-laws.  It gets to be SUPER frustrating for me sometimes trying to stretch ourselves so thin.  However long we are there seems to never be enough time.  I am super excited about getting in some good SUN time while we are there. And some good mexican food too!