trip north part 1

passivity, i kick you in the butt

Ohhh my.  Passivity is one of my weaknesses, my bad habits.  It is amazing that I can get out of bed and get myself dressed in the morning.  If Jason ever dies, heaven help me.  I am totally that lady that doesn't know how to change the batteries in my kids toys because I can let my husband to it and so I leave it up to him.  There are many examples of this and it is unfortunate that I am writing after 10 at night because I can't think of any at the moment.

The irony is that Jason is also passive.  Which is why we don't go on vacations with just the 4 of us.  We only show up to big family vacations when we are told to and everything is already planned for us.  We don't do things on the weekends and we hardly ever go on dates.  We're always waiting for the other one to do the planning.  Thankfully, with the exception of planning fun activities for our family to participate in, we are passive mostly in different ways. That is the only reason my kids ever have toys that work that require batteries.  Or chargers. Or, now that we are here, transformers to cut the electricity in half so we don't blow up our appliances.

The move over here has made me extra passive.  I've retreated into a protective little shell called my house.  Actually it isn't really my house, it is just where we live for a year, but we will call it "my house" for the sake of the story.  Honestly it does not provide quite enough shelter from the outside world, to which I am specifically speaking of the 18 construction workers that are in front of "my  house" everyday peeing all over the place.  I somehow manage to deal with it. It's a miracle.

I think it is safe to say that I hate (my kids just got hot sauce in their mouths for using that word) driving here.  I hate "my car" which is like driving a cross between a monster truck and the Titanic around town.  In my head I call "my car" a monstrosity, but I will save that for another post.  My second week here driving on my own, I hit a trike (a motorcycle with a cab) and it was enough to keep me from driving for quite awhile. About 6 months. I can hardly handle putting a dent in our own car, but I certainly can't handle ruining someone else's car.  For awhile I even made Jason drive me to the grocery store every week.  I'm sure that made me even more dear to his heart.  He must love having to babysit his own wife.

As a result of my passivity, the kids and I mostly sit at home all day.  We do school, the kids fight with each other, the kids fight with me, we watch movies, and when we are really desperate we read books.

When we decided to come here we thought that it would be a great experience for our family.  A great experience though, I have recently concluded, requires leaving the house.

So I patiently waited for Jason to come up with an amazing way for us to do something to serve those around us here. To get our family out of the house and experience life here.  I'm stupid passive like that.

I have graciously allowed him 6 months to come up with a fantastic idea on his own of something for us to do together as a family (so that I would be off the hook for driving) that would be meaningful for the kids and not require knowledge of the local language. Easy peasy!  I would allow him to make the arrangements on his own and then to drive us to wherever it is that we would go that would help make this year a great experience for our family.  I figured he was the head of the house so it was his call.  I even mentioned the orphanage in town a couple of times just to help him along a bit. I'm super helpful like that.  Helpful passive.

The man is busy though.  He doesn't sit in the house all day twisting his hair and wishing that there was a Target around the corner that he could go and walk around in for a few hours a week.  And I mean every week.  Alone.  With a bag of popcorn.

Today I decided that maybe, just maybe, it was time to kick my passivity in the butt and write the darn orphanage and see if there was any way we could help out.  I mean I've only been thinking about it for the last 10 months or so.  And if I have to drive us there myself, then I guess I will drive us there myself.  Time to put my big girl pants on and live my life.

I just pushed 'send' on the e-mail this afternoon.  We will see where it will take us.  Hopefully out of the house and towards a bigger, more compassionate world view for us all.

oh ann

Have you read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp?

If you haven't you better crawl out from whatever rock you've been living under and buy it now.  Right now.  Go to Amazon.  Now.  And don't forget her blog.  

This woman has words.  She's a modern day prophet.  

There are days when her words speak from the page and they sit like salve, healing a spot that I didn't know needed healing.  Some days there are words that are like the hydrogen peroxide we've been pouring over our scrapes and cuts and bug bites.  Burning, stinging, bubbling up the bad in order to clean and make new.  

This came out of her recent blog entry,  "Why You Should Smile Right Now."   

These words have rolled around in my head for days.  Confronting my actions.  Knocking heads with my reactions to two specific small people that live in my house.  

“Why deprive myself of joy’s oxygen?

The swiftness and starkness of the answer startle.

Because you believe in the power of the pit.

Really?

Do I really smother my own joy because I believe that anger achieves more than love?

That Satan’s way is more powerful, more practical, more fulfilling in my daily life than Jesus’ way? Why else get angry?

Is it because I think complaining, exasperation, resentment will pound me up into the full life I really want?

When I choose — and it is a choice — to crush joy with bitterness, am I not purposefully choosing to take the way of the Prince of Darkness?

Choosing the angry way of Lucifer because I think it is more effective — more expedient— than giving thanks? than living joy?”

It hits me hard.  How can I think I can use my anger, my frustration, my disappointment to pound my kids into seekers of joy, proclaimers of truth, and lovers of good, let alone good behavior when they are arguing with each other or complaining about school.   Yelling should produce patience between my kids.  Threatening should produce joy in learning. Bribery should produce a feeling of pride in a job well done.  

In what world does that add up? 

There are days when anger certainly feels more practical.  It seems more effective.  It appears to work so much faster. It is such an easier sword to wield than encouragement or patience.  

But, how often do I crush joy in my home?  Let me rephrase that.  How many times in a day do I crust joy in my home?  I don't even want to count. My kids would probably tell you that there are days I let my anger fly around like a whip.  Somewhere in my head, I've believed the lie that I can pound my kids into good behavior, into the wonderful sweet kids I know they can be.  

Lord help me.  

Cynicism isn't strength and ranting doesn't rejuvenate and frustration can never accomplish what Faith can.  

Does my life testify to my belief in the power of complaint - or the power of Christ.  

I speak cynicism and my kids speak complaint.  No wonder. 

It's a wonder though that God confronts. He gives us the chance to change and to grow.  

Thank goodness for grace. 
Thank goodness for the chance to try again. And again. And again. 

And when my kids complain for the 35 time of the week about doing their word sorts and it's only Wednesday, God is giving me the chance to choose joy.  To choose it for myself.  To choose it for my kids.  Practice living it out.  These words just keep rattling around in my head.  

I think about how thankful I am that this year I get to be sojourners of joy alongside my kids as we live and learn in this sticky sweaty jungle paradise.  We're learning.  Slowly.  

tumultuous

: marked by tumult : loud, excited, and emotional<tumultuous applause>
: marked by violent or overwhelming turbulence or upheaval<tumultuous passions>

the sillies

Every once in a while we get silly around here.  I have to say, I like it much better than the crying that takes place.  I love that these two are learning to enjoy each other more this year!  A new 'do from the sister.

shopping

There are two main grocery stores that we shop at in town, the fruit stands and occasionally the market.  One stop shopping doesn't exist here and neither do sales or coupons.  It's killin my grocery budget. Killin it I tell you!

The store we like to shop at the best is about 20 min away from our house.  It is in a lovely new mall that has a lovely new grocery store in it.  This means that I make Jason drive me there because I have issues with the truck we are borrowing this year.  That my friendlies requires a whole separate blog post.  When we can, we usually go on Monday morning.  He heads to the coffee shop in the mall to catch up on computer work and I head to the grocery store.

Why do we drive 20 minutes to get to a grocery store when there is one 7 minutes away from our house?  Well, let me list the reasons.
1) the produce there is way better - this is the main reason we go
2) way less people shop there
3) they have cheese (sadly, they don't carry cheddar, which is all I really want)
4) they have various types of American made chips
5) the meat seems better most days

Shopping here is always an adventure though.  I usually have to meal plan for more than 7 meals a week because when you go to the store you never know what you are going to find.  Last week they had no green or red peppers - out go the fajitas I was going to make on Wednesday night.  This week they had no green onions, which means that we will have to take a second trip to the other grocery store.

We usually have to make a second trip to the other grocery store for the following:
1) the butter and mozzarella cheese is cheaper there
2) staples like flour and sugar is cheaper and more readily available
3) the first store is always out of Coke
4) they have the more basic vegetables that the other store is usually out of - like green onion

It's always interesting to me what kinds of imported foods you can find over here.  A few weeks ago they had a few different kinds of bags of Malt-O-Meal cereal.  I snagged a couple of those up pretty quick until I realized that they were over $5 a bag and put a few back.  There has been a box of Golden Grahams that has been calling my name and if they still have it in stock, I'll be asking for it in my stocking.  This store had applesauce when they first opened, but have never had it again since.  You've got to grab it when you see it around here, because you never know if you are going to see it again.

be gone

That's it.  I'm banishing Debbie Downer from this blog.  My alter ego isn't allowed to play here anymore.  I'm changing the password and not telling her what it is.

a choice

Today I gave my girl a choice.  She wasn't allowed to bring her bad attitude into our 'classroom'.  She had work to do for the day.  If she couldn't get the attitude under control and get her work done it would roll over to the next day.  I wasn't going to let her into the room to argue and fight with me.  

I'm done with that strain on our relationship.  Done.  

So after getting kicked out a few times, she made the decision to come in, sit down, and do her work.  

Maybe it needs to be her choice instead of me forcing her to do what she needs to do.  Would that be how to handle a strong willed child that doesn't like being told what to do? Then if she doesn't make a wise choice she can deal with the logical consequences of her decision.  Maybe we're on to something.  Maybe.  

i forgot i had a blog

I think I've lost any blogging mojo that I might have once had.  I no longer have the energy to be funny and witty.  I'm out of happy cheery words.  I'm sputtering out.  Empty tank here friends.  At least for today.  

Things have mostly settled into a routine.  School with the kids is about ready to do me in.  It's been a couple of weeks now and it isn't getting any better around here.  M had to eat lunch by herself today, a half an hour late, because it took her over 2 hours to do 10 math problems and I told her she couldn't eat lunch until she was half way done with her math assignment. Addition problems.  It took the whole morning to do 1 journal entry and 10 math problems.  Still not sure what to do with this child.  We argue all day.  About how she wants to go home.  How I'm not as fun as her other teachers.  About how mean I am.  About how I give her too much work.  Ugh.  I feel like I'm assaulted verbally for a good 5 hours a day.  That girl may not have skills with the books but she's got mad skills when it comes to a tongue lashing.  

It has been exhausting.  Utterly exhausting.  I wake up in the morning thinking that I can't wait until it's Friday.  It's been a really long time since I woke up every morning wishing for the weekend. 

Last week I left the house twice.  Once to do grocery shopping.  Once to work on billing for the flight program.  The rest of my week was spent at home. Arguing. Pleading. Promising. Threatening.  

I just don't do leaving the house only twice a week.  But there is no where to go.  And if I go, I have to drive in our monstrosity of a truck - which most days feels like worse option than being stuck in the house.  

There is now only a woman left holding on for dear life just to make it through the day.  Groundhog's Day.  Wake up, school, drip sweat, bed. Wake up, school, drip sweat, bed.   Oh yes, and I've added in running on a treadmill since I don't usually walk further than the outside gate of my house during the week.  I don't do running, but at least it's a way to walk more than 120 steps a day.  Wake up, flop around on the treadmill, school, drip sweat, bed.  

I know we'll survive.  I've never heard of child or parent dying because of homeschooling.  We'll get this figured out right before we leave.  Until then, life goes on.  And I'm going to take a nap.  

hello antibiotics

Poor Kellan has been a mess lately!  Thank goodness he is finally starting to clear up.  He was getting these horrible blister things all over his skin.  The doctor put him on an antibiotic and this is how it came from the pharmacy.  We just had to add water.  Never thought about antibiotics being powder.  I guess that's why medicine is so expensive in the States.  We have to pay someone to add the water!

princess

   Meet Princess.  She's the girl next door.  This sweet little thing knows how to ask for candy and money like no other.  Mirielle is trying to figure out what it looks like to be her friend.  She was sweet enough today to let me snap a few pictures of her.  I was trying to get her to really smile because she has lost her 2 front teeth but she wouldn't crack a smile big enough.  Trust me, I gave her lots of visual cues that I wanted to see her wide open mouth. Lots of cues since she didn't understand a word of my English.  I must have looked like quite the looney toon.

Her family lives right in front of us.  They are squatters in a pieced together shack and we share our electricity with them so they can run a light bulb when it is dark out.  This week the landlord of our house and surrounding property started moving in supplies to build a bed and breakfast in the lot where her family lives.  I imagine her dad must be wondering when he will loose his spot on the land that isn't his.  He's old and injured and he can't provide much for his little family.  Princess is his only child.

For now we will keep feeding her candy while she's the girl next door.

blessing

This has been sitting on my screen for days waiting to be written but no words have been coming.  The last 3 mornings I’ve woken up with a knot in my stomach.  The question that keeps asking itself over and over again, “What in the world are we doing here?”

Our weeks here in the Philippines have been wonderful, horrible, busy, boring, inspiring and depressing. 

The reality never quite matches with the dreams we dream. 

We thought we were coming to be used.  We thought a calendar full of flights would tell us how needed we were here.  We would be able to pat ourselves on the back for saving the day.  Not so.    

Purpose here.  It is eluding me.  The question asks itself again, “What in the world are we doing here?”

We find out that there are hidden costs.  The bills here are piling up while we stare at an empty bank account.  Every flight we go deeper into the pit.  Every cloud that has to be dodged has a dollar attached.   Visa renewals are getting closer on the calendar.  It was so easy to trust that the Lord would provide before we got here.  There was a safety net.  If the money didn’t come through, we didn’t go.  Now if the money isn’t there we carry that great big red mark on the paper for how long? 

The cost has been so high to come here I think, as I sit here with my child crying on my lap, both of us sweating because we are so close.  Her tears rolling down my chest.  The cost to my kids.  The cost to our family. 

Yet I know there are riches here to be found.  The silver lining in the cloud.  The truth is, there is so much fullness to be had in us being here.  Fullness we have yet to discover.  Fullness we hope for in faith.   Fullness the Lord is opening up to us moment by moment and asking us to hold our arms wide open and embrace. 

So I take this question that won’t leave my mind and I turn it back to the One who called us here.  We know He called us here.  Lord, what in the world are we doing here?  Why do you have us here?

Be a blessing.  Let me use you to be a blessing.

“Lord,” I think, “ I’m not sure that is good enough.”  We should only have to go through this, travel this road, be here, if people can’t live without us.  If we can puff up our chest in pride and find value by our own shallow definition.  

The cost, the personal cost is too high, the financial cost is too high.  How do we justify to ourselves, to those who sacrifice to make it possible for us to be here, that possibly, we are here just to be a blessing?  Not good enough.

It’s terrifying.  I have to let go.  I have to look past how we define ourselves and what we think is valuable.  I can let go or I can wake up the rest of the year with a knot in my stomach feeling like a waste.  I have to recalibrate.

Be a blessing, He says. 

Be a blessing to the family you came to replace so they can go home and enjoy being with family and allow them to rest. 

Be a blessing to your daughter who is sitting on your lap crying because she hates school and struggles with reading.

Be a blessing to your husband who needs you to sit by the computer and track his moves and listen to a scratchy radio that hardly works so that he’ll know you’ve always got his back. 

Be a blessing to the family that is out from the village and invite them over for dinner even though it will be a long day. 

Be a blessing to the girl who helps you around the house when she sits down to eat with you.  Show her what a Christian family looks like.  Her dad abandoned her.  She doesn’t know. 

Be a blessing.

American dreams are about this need to become a someone.  God dreams are about becoming bread for anyone in need because they love SomeOne.   Ann Voskamp

character

We've started school around here. For real this time.

We probably didn't really NEED to start but there isn't much to do around here and the kids needed something to do besides spending the whole entire day starting at some sort of a screen.

Mirielle continues to fight, complain, whine, cry, argue (feel free to insert any other verb in there that you can think of). It really has been a battle of the will with her. She was pulling out anything and everything she could think of to go against me and having to sit and do work.  At first it was about the work.  Then it was about how we ruined her life.  Then it was about how we ruined her friends' lives too.  All the stops my friend, all the stops.

Last week I feel like I spent the better part of my week being verbally abused by my 9 year old. It was completely exhausting.

Right now we are just working on review sheets from a workbook. And heaven forbid, I asked her to write a 7 sentence letter to her teacher. The first night I made her keep at it until 6:30 at night. The second day until 4:30. The rest of the week wasn't much better. And the sheets that she hasn't done just keep stacking up.

I don't know how to reach this kid.

While I was sitting in the office/school room last week with her I read through these verses.

Romans 5:3-5 
We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts though the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Heaven knows this child thinks she is suffering.  And today I am praying that this year will be a major milestone in the growth of her character.  Character that comes through endurance that leads to hope.  Praying that for me too.  Because quite honestly I'd like to give up on her.  Already.  Endurance Lord, endurance.  Character.  Hope.

I know this really is a huge change for her.  In some ways I'm proud of her for handling it so well.  She is such an amazingly fantastic kid.  This is our sticking point, though.  This is where the Lord needs to change both of us.  We're both buying into the lie that we can't do it.  And it is a LONG year ahead.

skyping with friends

father's day

I have to say I love this man and how he leads our family. I love all of the time he invests with the kids. How he is a teacher to them in our home. He always challenges the kids to think through a problem. Work toward a solution. Consider the options. He takes the time to explain to them how things work. From a remote control car to a relationship with a friend. He is an example of adventure. He is an example of wisdom. He is an example of love. 

 Today we celebrated him with a beautiful view at a lovely restaurant.

 And I learned not to order the shrimp dish.

mirielle's world

Mirielle has turned into an island girl since we've moved here.  

The mosquitoes especially love me.  I have more bites then the whole family combined. They itch and itch like crazy!  Sometimes it is hard to go to sleep because I can't stop scratching them. 

There are lots of fun things to explore.  I found a great place to hide from my brother in this big basket that is on our porch.

The guest house where we are staying has lots of fun things to do.  This is the perfect tree to practice surfing on.  I love the rope swing and the hammock too.

It is crazy hot here but we find ways to stay cool.  There is always a fan blowing somewhere.  Every once in a while the power gets turned off and then it gets really hot! 

This weekend we got to go to the beach.  It was a fun way to forget the heat.  I learned how to boogie board while we were at the beach.  I could stay in the water all day!

Today I'm going down to the hangar to help my dad wash the plane.  It is one way I can get out of some school work with my mom.

I found this can of squid at the grocery store here.  There are lots of weird things that you can find at the store here.  Big whole fish with their heads still on, pigs feet, and lots of other things that you don't see at home.  

One of my favorite things I've done since we've been in the Philippines was going to a mall where they sold all kinds of pearls.  I shopped and shopped and finally picked these out as my favorite.  

And now that I've been getting some sun on my face, I even look like I have a few freckles.  My mom thinks they are super cute.

kellan's world

Kellan is loving all of the animals and insects here in the Philippines.  When it rains there are toads everywhere at night.  He's caught a few toads that have managed to sneak into the house.

This is a budiki.

They crawl all over the walls here inside and outside of the house.  I've only caught three of these because they are super fast!

Getting around here can be very different.  If you don't have a car you can hire a trike and ride for about 25 cents to get across town.  

The drivers sometimes name their trikes crazy things and paint them up to look fancy.  

Another way to get around is by jeepney.  This jeepney was headed up into the mountains so it was full of people and stuff.  Most of them aren't this full, but they can get pretty crowded!  

This was one night when we went out to dinner with 2 other families.  One of the families had a car so all of the kids piled in the back seat.  We don't have to worry about sitting in car seats here!  

Pretty soon we will get to drive this truck for the rest of the time we are here in the Philippines.  It is big and can even go almost all the way under the water.  It is super tough and you can drive it into the mountains and go off-roading with it!

Today I went to the hangar to watch my dad work on the airplane.   We helped him push it out of the hangar so he could wash it.

Last weekend we got to go to the beach.  It is hot here and the beach is a fun way to cool off.  I learned how to catch a wave on a boogie board.

Sometimes we can find crazy stuff at the grocery store.  Some of the stuff here is the same as at home.  They have root beer, rice, spaghetti, oreos and chips that we can get in the United States.  We saw this can of squid and thought it was pretty gross!